Archive for February, 2011

02/22/2011

Abdicate

by Pierce Nahigyan

Rumor was that the King was stepping down from the throne. Said he’d had enough, he was done, abdicating, leaving off. We asked him why. He said that with the world seemed fit to drift inexorably to democracy he couldn’t see any point to his rule. Some argued that society without the monarchy would crumble, or be less than proper. Civilization needed civil boundaries, they cried. The King did not agree. Proponents of democratization bellowed for a swift and appropriate election.

Soon there were elections for governors, elections of senators, of representatives, of council members, of district managers, speakers, judges. There were many of them and each was somehow supposed to represent more than himself. It was hard to follow the rules.

For several years – nine, I believe – the country was markedly different. Even the economy picked up. It was only after that honeymoon that the senators and judges and governors started asking for a lot more. They complained that since they were democratically elected, they ought to be paid democratically, too. We asked how we could do this. They asked for our middens. If the people are to be aptly represented, they told us, they must be present in body if not in mind.

So somewhat reluctantly we carted our weekly piles to the former castle now congress and laid them on the lawn. Two weeks passed before we were called back by the senators and judges and governors. They said we’d brought too much and could we take some of it back? We protested that so many piles had been strewn that it was impossible to know what belonged to who. The democracy was in danger, our elected officials warned us, if we didn’t gather our filth and take it back at once.

We left it where it was. Seldom did word make it far to the outer provinces, and seldom did word make it more than once. So most folks just kept carting their middens to congress once a week.

It’s been several years since any of us has heard from the congress. But I go to the market every morning the same as I have for the last fifty years and I know very little about turnips but I always seem to bring home the kind my children like. I also stop and chat with the king every day on my return. He keeps a small house with his family and has made great strides in perfecting wineries in this region. I ask him if he thinks the government is doing well and he says he isn’t sure. But the sun still rises in the morning and the tide still ebbs and floods. Every winter snow covers our fields and inevitably folks from the town pass away and die through old age or disease or hard luck. The king gathers from all this that the government must be doing well and he’s sorry it took him so long to stand in the way of progress.

02/18/2011

Abbreviate

by Pierce Nahigyan

Two men were sitting outside a hospital. The first man was an old man, a grandfather many times over. The second man was unknown to him and so he asked his name.

“I do not have a name,” said the second man.

The first man did not believe this. He had never met anyone without a name before.

“What is your name?” asked the second man.

“I don’t see that you have any right to know,” said the first man, “since you refuse to tell me yours.”

The second man sighed. “This always happens. I’m not lying.”

“Then how did you check into the hospital?” asked the first man.

“I didn’t. I was brought here.”

“By who?” asked the first man.

“I don’t know her name.”

The first man had had enough. He tried to raise himself out of his wheelchair. Huffing and puffing and red as a tomato, he eventually collapsed back against his seat and drifted slightly backward.

After an awkward few minutes the second man spoke up. “Are you all right?”

The first man resolved to remain silent until he was rid of this second, aggravating man. But he did not. “If you don’t have a name, why don’t you just call yourself something?”

“I suppose I could,” said the second man diplomatically.

“Did your parents have names?”

“Pamela and Smiley.”

The first man breathed a sigh of strained relief. “And the woman who brought you here?”

“She hit me with her car.”

“But you don’t know her name?”

“She hit me with her car while I was in my apartment.”

The first man simply let his mouth droop into a lazy o of indignation.

“That’s the abbreviated story.”

02/16/2011

Abbey

by Pierce Nahigyan

The monks made a very fine wine and Albert, being so formerly an alcoholic, found the temptation to sin practically invited flagellation. It was that or damnation. He had never understood why medieval clergymen whipped themselves. Now he knew.

The abbot took Albert’s nervous unease for caution. “You are like a wife with cold feet,” the old abbot told him kindly. “Remember, if it is not the right time to wed yourself to God, there is still time enough to ponder. There is no divorce brooked from the Almighty.”

Albert tried his best to remain civil. “Yes, Father.”

“Are you perhaps contemplating His divine plan for you, my son?”

“No, Father,” Albert replied.

“Do you not like it at the abbey?” he asked.

“I like it just fine,” said Albert.

But in the end Albert succumbed to his lesser demons and had a grand rollicking time boozing it up in the abbey’s stone halls. His hoots and joyful cajoling sent the other monks into unequal factions of sympathizers and repudiators.

Overall it was a short affair, both the fete and Albert’s monkhood. He learned, however, a good deal about himself, not the least of which was that not even vows are strong enough to break a man’s habit for public urination. He began the year holy enough. He ended it outside Cleveland in an iron bungalow. By that point even he had to admit that his prayers weren’t fooling anyone. His sole consolation, in the long unhappy years ahead of him, was that he’d briefly met heaven in the intoxicated abandon of the monks’ fine wine, free from condemnation however briefly. Hell was always the hangover.

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02/15/2011

Abaxial

by Pierce Nahigyan

The badger sniffed at the termite mound and followed the mildewed aroma of wet earth to a hollow in the ground. Hidden under the piles of spent foliage, the hollow and its only occupant, an old snake, were suddenly revealed by the badger’s chin.

The snake slithered up through the abaxial veins of the once living leaves and blotted out the sun in the badger’s vision, a king of death, hooded and horrible, swaying like a pitch pendulum.

“If I die now,” thought the badger, “it will have been a silly sort of life, to end so abruptly with hardly an ordeal to my memories more confounding than their conclusion. But I suppose,” he went on, the snake venomously poised in its eclipse, “if I die now it is only to benefit the old snake. Strange way to live, grown up these two years in the savanna, each path trod over tall grass and burrowed underground meant, inevitably, to lead here at this appointed time to placate the hunger of my predator. And when he has swallowed me whole he will be fat and slothful for months while he digests the flesh I have spent two years laboring for.”

The snake struck behind the badger’s head and sunk its fangs deep inside his neck. The badger gave himself over to a tremor of fear and panic, gouging the snake’s eyes with mad abandon. The snake recoiled and retreated over the dust blindly, bloody anger oozing from its shattered scales.

The badger fell back, the poison coursing through his veins at the traitorous beating of his heart. “Well,” he thought in his final moments, “that was a rousing misadventure for us both.”

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