Archive for May, 2012

05/31/2012

Abridge

by Pierce Nahigyan

My grandfather was one of those almost extinct class of hucksters that didn’t trouble themselves with the nutritional values of snake oil. It may not have been ethical to sell his cross-town neighbor a packet of saltpeter to curb a hostile goat’s most particular amorousness, but he never set out with the intention of doing harm, not to the beasts nor to the simple hands who could be convinced my grandfather possessed a piece of something most lacked. My grandfather did have a flair for the dramatic, and honey was in his voice if not his veins. I never met a man or woman who denied the old man was a charmer.

Times changed, though, and the corner store was laid low by the march of progress. Big box stores erupted in the small town where he had once sold nutty horses when there were too few willing to put faith in the automobile. There were a spate of jobs, some even mostly legitimate, between his penultimate confidence scam and the last one.

When the children had up and grown and my grandfather got to feeling restless, he turned back to his old ways. My grandmother shook her head and had her say, but my grandfather was an intractable man since the day he learned to walk out the door. She shut him out of the house while he concocted his newest source of riches. He holed up with me when I was living out my first year at the local college (and halfway to tending bar fulltime).

My grandfather, bless his heathen heart, got to selling abridged bibles. The first issue was where he got the bibles in the first place, as box stores or no there were few churches in our immediate vicinity, and few enough of us to know when one of them had been held up. The second issue concerned the manner of abridgement: namely, bibles coming in sets of twos with even pages in one and odd pages in another.

If I have regrets (and being ridden out of town on a rail, in this day and age, is certainly one), it’s that, plain dumb and lawless as the scheme was, the old man had made a hell of a profit before I’d even come home that first day. And if he’d made it to day two without us getting run off there might have been a future in this post-printing business.

05/20/2012

Abreast

by Pierce Nahigyan

The weasels lined up, five abreast, in a file five deep. Old Granny Badger cast her eyes over them from the long fuzzy spire of her snout. “Gentlemen,” she croaked, “the time has come for us to leave this wood and move up in the world.”

“Aye!” the weasels shouted as one, “Ma’am!”

“Hrmph,” said Old Granny Badger. “None of you thinking of turning tail now, eh? Got some eggs left in the pantry, wimmen-weasels waiting in the wings?”

“Nay!” the weasels shouted, “Ma’am!”

“Gentlemen, I put it to you that this wood has been ruined by those dreadful men across the interstate, the long legged pink men who come forth to rut under our pines and in our groves with their long legged pink wimmen-men, leaving behind their delicious plastic packaging for us to snack and choke on. Hrmph.”

Old Granny Badger scratched her snout and sniffed at the crisp morning cold. “What’s more,” she growled, “I have it on good standing that they mean to turn this entire wood into a strip mall – barring that, an Olympic parking lot. We haven’t forgotten what happened to the Atlanta weasels in the culling of ’96, have we?”

“Nay!” the weasels shouted, “Ma’am!”

“Nor the Atlanta badgers,” she added. “Nor the Atlanta snakes, nor the Atlanta stoats.”

The wood was soon bulldozed, before the uprising came to final fruition. It was not half so sad that the woodland fauna had yet to receive word that the 2016 Olympics was cancelled as the fact that, after the several years painstakingly learning to read, the Chicago badgers had not gathered, from the sparse newspaper litter available to them, that their forest was a much better location for a much smaller forest and a much tidier interstate.

05/11/2012

Abreact

by Pierce Nahigyan

The events that took place inside the house on 201 Hargrove Mango have long been swamped in mystery, the truly comprehensible facts even wrapped in a tangled bracken of spookiness, owing in no small part to Elliot Thompson’s preponderance for strong drink and little regard for facts or what he would often term “book learning.” There were, in his previous criminalities, numerous examples of bad faith, and several notable intoxicated incidents of the young man preying on Mobile’s traditions. Or “superstitions,” to be less charitable.

Inside the house, a decrepit Georgian Gothic (built several hundred miles from anyone who had ever set foot in Georgia), its stained floorboards had taken on nightmarish aspect, the resting place for restless spirits, or sometimes cited as the prime site for Satanic ritual. What the house was, undoubtably was a decrepit wreck, long abandoned by its long destitute and since obliterated aristocracy, and several stories concerning how it got that way, what might be buried under the house, or squirreled within a hidden room, served the community of children and hooligans entertainment to no end at the expense of the unwary, throughout several generations. But aside from a termite colony and a parliament of owls, no inhuman vermin were known to regularly inhabit the place.

Elliot Thompson was squatting in the house after another night on the lam from his old lady – Madame L’Engle down by Olyphant Street – and there was a commotion, a great green flash. Soon the whole town was awakened to the hoops and hollers of Elliot, his ass on fire, hoofing it up the main thoroughfare screaming about ghosts and witches. His abreaction in the jailhouse only confused the issue. The sheriff chose not to commit his statement to public record, something Mobile questioned but, the lot of us without a page of law amongst us, did not press. Yet it could not but embolden the mystique.

Whatever Elliot saw in the house, and whatever it did to him, only increased the moodiness up on Hargrove Mango. It prevailed, and yet Elliot grew less perfidious over time, and folks, by and large, forgot him and his incontinent manner. Come to think of it, it’s been years since I saw him myself. It’s like he vanished into the telling of that house. The myth of it swallowed him up, like a rotten mailbox consumed by crawling weeds.

05/05/2012

Abrasion

by Pierce Nahigyan

On the Colossus of Rhodes there was a deep and multi-laced abrasion, the scored imprint on its inner ankle that led to many tales, and one must have been truth – or close to it – though in that great marble leg and silent stance akimbo no clue remained to prove or deny the several myths that arose to justify it. When Chares of Lindos described the Colossus, he left no doubt as to its might; he boasted even that the statue would be indestructible, indelible; eternal, to boot. But he was wrong about that.

It could have been the secret too thick to bear for his narrow, muscular shoulders. Even as an old man the thin wires of his physique wove through him like ship lines, sawing and grinding away beneath his sun-blackened, age-sore and -spotted skin, almost ringing like rigging when his bare back twisted from side to side as he molded the model out of clay, on his potter’s wheel, his thin, adamantine arms working frantic, and faster, in time with his screechy voice. Chares liked to sing while he worked. And though the long-throated speeches of the democrats boomed, their rhetorical commands suited in prim, owlish brocades, Chares was not of their skein. He was pulled from another cloth altogether, ragged, never wistful, allying himself with neither the cynics nor the stoics, nor, though it was supposed, the epicureans (how a scrawny, bitter Chares ever was tossed into the annals’ sorting bin with that brutally gladsome lot is as indelibly curious as the Colossus’ collapse was finally inescapable), but subscribed to no great passage of thought but his own unceasing will.

That will demanded the Colossus. Make no mistake, that will built the colossus, bar by planted bar, bronze and marble flesh upon flesh. In the clanging and hammering, sawing, swinging, bellows for more, cracks of whips (doubtless, there were whips), and beaded brows was the coursing light of Chares, even after he drowned himself in Rhodes’ harbor. Some say that light was brightest after the old man was gone, his body the only encumbrance to a spirit mad with the limitations of earth’s might. So he went to the gods, some say, to build for them the gates of Olympus that keep even human thought out. Why else do we no longer think on the gods, or invoke their blessing across the seas or into troublesome lands?

But that abrasion on the Colossus’ ankle is still a mystery. It appeared not long after the great statue’s completion, like a scar portending the greater lashing to come, or the careless stride of Helios crossing within some nettle bush. Half a century later, when the Colossus, taken down at the knees and half-submerged in the harbor, its shoulders and head beached like some stone grimacing whale, the feet still bestrode the waters, and that mark remained.

Some expected the climactic crack to reveal some new meaning for the great scratch; there was yet more to know about this wonder that outshined each like man-made architecture of antiquity. But Helios lay silent on his beach, and Chares, on the harbor’s bottom, did not rise. Some expected such miracles.

I have seen no miracle since that statue framed the sky.

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