Archive for ‘game’

04/15/2013

Acrimonious

by Pierce Nahigyan

I’ve taken a few odd cases in my time. As a divorce lawyer, each case is essentially the same: two folks want to split. Sounds simple enough. The details are where it gets messy, the whys, the whos, the whens, the wheres. A lawyer’s a lawyer though, from public defender to corporate finance, and we’ve all got a reputation. Fair enough. But if you’re an average joe, you only deal with us once in a while. We, on the other hand, deal with you people every day. So forgive us a certain viscosity; it’s just that your slime tends to work its way downhill while you’re climbing up on those white pedestals.

I had a peculiar case not long ago, a man and a woman, as it usually is, who wanted to split, as they usually do. The man we’ll call Frank, the lady we’ll call Carol. Carol was a piece of work. Being a model, she specialized in looking all softness and light. She mainly appeared in the pictures inside the picture frames before you buy them. She wasn’t going to be in Victoria’s Secret any day soon. Frank, conversely, was a husky, dumpy little guy; where Carol was a gaussian beauty, he was uncomfortable in any focus; but where Carol could be a screaming witch, Frank was a glass of water.

I was Frank’s lawyer and a former colleague of mine, Rob, ended up with Carol. It’s a small town. No meeting began without Carol already furious. No meeting ended without her screaming, screaming, screaming. When I say screaming, I’m talking about red-faced, watery eyed tantrums. And Frank would just take it. No, that’s not right. He would answer any question she asked, interrupt her lawyer to let her continue her rants, and it became obvious, after three of these meetings, that if he’d just keep his mouth shut and let me do the talking, Carol could keep it together. But no. Carol had to be right, and had to make sure we understood her irreconcilable differences with her ugly, soft-spoken spouse. He’d let Carol seethe and seethe, while he simmered, bringing her ire to a rolling boil that he could steamily brush away. Frank would disagree with her in the politest, nastiest way possible, and that was what set her off.

We had two more sessions before both of them fired us. Rob and I actually didn’t mind too much. The conflict was entertaining and we were paid by the hour. And since most of the negotiations led nowhere, we were basically paid to watch two people hate each other theatrically. We both followed up to see who our clients went to next, but they didn’t go to anybody. Not right away. Everybody I called, and everybody Rob called, knew exactly who we were talking about.

It turns out Frank and Carol are madly in love with each other. I mean that in the sense that they love each other like crazy people. The acrimony is real: Carol has screamed her way into and out of most of the divorce offices in town, and Frank has muttered and smiled his way behind, like a domestic circus with three rings of spite, tension, and disgust. They have three children who have no clue that their parents have filed for divorce at least ten times in the last ten years. At home, Frank’s the breadwinner, Carol is a prim and proper housewife and part-time model. When they file for divorce, she makes herself up like a diva and he puts on a few extra pounds, wears the shirts she’d prefer he threw out, and forgets his deodorant.

They do this, I think, for a number of reasons, some of them sordid, some of them inscrutable. I’m not one to get sentimental, and I’m not sure what yin or yang means, but I don’t know anybody who stuck it out over a decade without losing the fire, in some way. Frank and Carol channel something powerful and horrible through the law, something a mere lawyer can only sit back and admire.

04/05/2013

Acquire

by Pierce Nahigyan

Dear Sir,

I regret to trouble you with an unexpected letter. I know that you are an important man and I must emphasize from the start that I do not wish to waste your time. What I have to offer your institution is of the utmost rarity, and I came upon it only by means of much personal sacrifice on my part, physical and emotional, sleepless nights, tireless surveillance, and a broken marriage, so please understand that I am in earnest.

Using certain methods described in my grandfather’s letters, I have, at last, acquired a leprechaun. He is extremely dirty and very magical. Binding him has been a constant chore. Understand that by the methods I used to capture him he cannot leave my house, no matter which windows or doors I leave unlocked or ajar; however, his spells and guile have made him incapable of remaining in bondage for very long, whether tied to a chair with hemp rope, handcuffed with cold iron, encircled by salt or unconscious under a pile of cats. Invariably I or my wife would see fit to release him or he manages to escape on his own, and then it is hours of hell finding him in the house and binding him again. At first he was furious to be denied escape, but now I believe his imprisonment amuses him.

Good sir, I have been the host of an ill-received guest for nigh on three months now. My wife is gone, my home is in ruins, I cannot stop spitting out gold coins and flowers (I do not mean this figuratively, and I will not further detail what has become of my plumbing or what has gone into it, or out of me). I cannot leave the house due to my condition(s), nor can I use the phone. The leprechaun has fixed it so that the only thing I hear is the sound of emergency vehicles.

To my great disappointment, the only way I can relieve myself of this torment is by bequeathing the creature to a non-profit institution. Please believe me, I understand fairy logic no better than you, and I have read many, many tomes while the sirens of ambulances ring in my ears. Please do not disregard this letter. Please take my leprechaun. I have enclosed a photograph of him, though by the time it reaches you it may have become a custard pie.

With utmost sincerity,

Martin Farrell

08/01/2012

Absinthe

by Pierce Nahigyan

Taking some time off to resolve a long-time ailment of mine (an ill-tempered stomach, never more than a bite or two of rich fair removed from gastronomical reenactments of San Francisco 1906), I repaired to the South and my family’s estate, there to walk the swamps that bordered our lands on native trails, the gravel and wood mashed down into the bracken and trimmed on either side by long stalks of saw grass, to wander in contemplation.

Recuperation eluded me. Some sulphur in lemon water and a bit of biscuit were my daily breakfasts, and all, for the longest time, I might have dined on. But so long as I introduced my palate to no cuisine more daring than a buttered roll or well grilled and unseasoned knot of chicken, I avoided such indigestive calamities as I was wont to, and continued my rural perlustrations, in pursuit of what I knew not, being of a mind merely to wander, removed from the city, but as charmed me to pretend, exiled from that place and my rigid accounting firm.

Thus taken to fancy and the pastoral, one Sunday I found myself treading farther into the swamp than in previous forays, until I happened upon a wide creek, its shores edged in the emerald slime common to this region of the Union. The algae flowed along the shores while its center was rapid and black, sharp rocks dividing its glassy current with fresh white froths, and the overhanging willows reflected in the smoothness where smoothness was to be found. I followed the river until I came to a house, not much more than a shack, its porch built out over the river, and a canoe tied to its back door.

Three men sat around a table playing cards, the table set on the edge of the shore, one leg buried in the bright green slime, one man seated practically to his shins in it, yet grinning, gold tooth luminous in the hot summer afternoon, his unwashed hair and threadbare garments lending him the appearance of a runaway marionette. His two companions were dressed much alike, though one affected to wear a powdered wig. The center of their table was piled with their tokens; instead of chips or coin they played for strange articles, the shapes of which I dare not describe.

“What ho!” said the man in the powdered wig. “Dost thou come to play at the bayou, gentleman?”

“Gentleman?” said the man in the slime. “No gentlemen ever come to share our bayou games, my sweet. If’n he has genteel look about him, might be it’s a kind of glamour.”

“Glamour?” said the third man. He wore a tricorn hat and a loose cotton vest, its sleeves torn or snipped away, his arms covered in coarse black hair. “Glamour, as in fairy-like?” This one, whose face from one angle near shore appeared as coarse as his hair, now near the woods as fine as clay, studied myself and my walking cane. “He’s too big to be a fairy.”

“Fairies come in all sizes, I wot,” said the man in the slime. “Maybe he’s come to cheat us off our valuables.”

“Prithee,” said the man in the powdered wig, “are you fairy, gentleman, or thief, man?” He and his compatriots slid their cards facedown on the table to peer at me.

Such was the depth and intent of their curiosity that I found myself, who had passed the hours in silence since entering the familiar swamp, absolutely speechless, as a stranger to English or any tongue as the frogs on the riverbanks. But when at last their direct stares became unbearable, I gathered the fortitude to say, “No, I am not one of these things, though gentleman perhaps will serve. I am, er,” I stuttered, “a man, only.”

“Only a man, eh?” said the man in the slime. “Well might be you can join our game. And drink this.” He snatched up a bottle from the table, of an ornate green glass. The bottle was a wonder, as if carved from emeralds, the liquid inside taking on this aspect and shimmering from the rays of sun cast by the willows’ motive fingers.

“Sirs,” said I, “I am not in the habit of playing cards. Nor am I,” I insisted, “one who favors strong drink. My stomach does not allow for such.”

“Weak stomach, he says,” the man in the powdered wig scoffed. “Does he not know then? Tis strength in the bottle, go on! And a hand of cards may make us love you better, man. Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder, aye?”

And I awoke on this side of the swamp in the company of three supercilious frogs. From the way they croaked, and their bulbous eyes hinged in such sinister manner, I understood a little of what lawlessness exists in nature, not sense as you and I know it, but an outlandish simulacrum of the same, one apt to play games in light, semi-aquatic, by both land and sea comfortable, its mutability its saving grace and maddening indulgence. The drink had ruined me in the city, and its moist fingers, like that thick slime on my shoes, were ever thus to follow my waking or my slumbering senses, which no lemon nor sulphur might sweeten.

04/06/2012

Aboveboard

by Pierce Nahigyan

A molten sunbeam lanced the wooden slats in the quiet saloon. It spread over the air, over the spread of cards on the poker table’s worn green felt. The stains were darkest where the felt had been frayed; some of them weren’t stains at all but gray cigar burns. The hot sunlight washed the table in its heat, scouring the players’ uneven whiskers, black nostrils aflare with black hairs, tanned faces bent to their hands, and the quiet air was more restless for it, the uneven, encroaching heat that rolled over the saloon like a nettlesome tumbleweed. All sorts of particles in all sorts of shapes gushed upward in the shafts of liquid light. These motes swirled with the dust, and the smoke.

The man with the cigar reached down to scratch his thigh. But a significant look from his tablemate prompted him to raise his hand again, open, aboveboard. He nodded amiably, reaching to pull the cigar from his mouth.

But he couldn’t bluff anymore.

The look in his opponent’s eyes told him too much. If he was going to walk away with his dignity, if not his money, it would take something more than grit to make it to the end of the hand. Thankfully, he knew he wasn’t smart enough to know what that was. He decided to try a joke.

“Knock knock,” he said softly.

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